10/14/08 hestitant steps

I haven't danced in 3 weeks.

I feel more overweight and restless than I have in months. I'm contemplating using diet supplements (I know there's no such thing as a quick fix, but I feel more desperate than ever).

My measurements:

Bust: 38"
Waist: 31"
Low Wasit: 34 1/2"
Hips: 37"
Arm: 12"
Thigh: 23 1/4"

Weight: 140 lbs

I hate myself

9/17/08 stop the gravy train

I twisted my right knee. Meniscus tear, I suppose. I'm taking it easy for the next few days, icing it and then I'll see my doctor. But until then, no dance.

Day 6 - After burn

I've been rummaging through old files and old pictures trying to find something where I'm dancing... which leads me to old formal pictures from college with my long time ex-boyfriend. For all intensive purposes, we'll refer to him as B.

B. was my first well... first a lot of things. We were together for 5 years, of which I cannot even count how many of my performances he attended. My Junior year Recital, countless football games, basketball games, talent shows, competitions, benefit concerts, impromptu (but staged) public performances, greek functions, cultural shows... the list goes on and on and on... but he was a trooper. I'm not even sure if he enjoyed watching me dance, but he was always there waiting for me with flowers or a hug and a kiss. I loved him for this devotion.

It took a year and a half after our breakup to really be friends. And even now, I wouldn't say we're back to where we used to be. By virtue of distance, we may never be close again (he got his dream job in California leaving me here in Cleveland empty handed). But he was so much a part of what made me want to dance... I gave up dancing to follow him to Pittsburgh and he supported me wherever I found a place to dance. He never gave up on in me in the five years we were together, even if he couldn't keep a rhythm. We fought often at formals about the whole dancing thing (I liked to roll solo, he wanted to dance with me.) And he promised me that when we moved in together in Cleveland, he'd take dance lessons for our wedding.

Well, we never got the chance. Never even got close to a ring. I broke up with him after he made the move from Philadelphia back to Cleveland. And by the time I was ready to come home to Cleveland, he had decided that he had to give up on me. I was toxic for him, and maybe he didn't use those exact words, but for years I had abused this love...

...and tonight, for some odd reason, I feel very sorry that I gave up on him so many times before that, when I couldn't be the girlfriend he needed... when I chased boys who seemed cuter or funnier (which in reality, none of them are.) I look at the pictures and all I see is his handsome features.

And I'm very sorry that by giving up on me, I gave up on dance...

Day 6 - Ballet 1

Never in my life has a man taught me how to dance (aside from Uncle Jodi and the electric slide) until today. I didn't catch his name, but I did catch his resume - Hails from Kansas City, dancing since 5, went to NYU graduated with honors in Dance - Went to Austria where several of his pieces were performed, dances in a company based on the East Side of Cleveland.

And I can't even do a grand plie without my ass sticking out.

Strengths: Balance, control

Weaknesses: Turnout, Posture, Flexbility

Terms I learned today:

Coup de pie - low on the ankle (cut the throat of the leg)
De ga je - a tendu but a few inches off the ground, same movement
ron de jam - i've been doing these for years but i didn't know this circular motion had a name

How I feel about dancing today:

Inherently crushed by my inability to keep my feet turned out in first or lift my leg any much higher than my knee height. Once upon a time this came naturally.

Day 5 - Revisting the Combination

I came up with a combination today while driving back from the grocery store. My entire morning wasn't working out for me, so this little glimmer of my own time to dance made me feel magnificent. It's to the David Cook song "Time of My Life." The combination works perfectly with the chorus since the song is timed in 3:4 waltz tempo which lends itself perfectly to ballet. It begins with a turning balance on the right, then on the left, followed by a small run into a right je te. It then retreats backwards with two straight balances and a pirouette. Moving to the right, a sashay, pas de burre, a beat to the right, then left, then behind, plie a la second, preparation, and three outside pirouettes, very sharply.

It's too bad I don't remember what half these moves are called but I suppose that'll come after a year in Ballet 1.

Day 4 - If the shoe doesn't fit

I think the fairy god mother had it all wrong. Evan and I spent a half-hour in footsteps trying to find another pair of ballet slippers that fit better. My toes crinkled in the first pair, i could barely flex them outward. I ended up going one full size up and one box size down (this means nothing to you if you've never danced ballet).

Day 3 - After burn

I hurt nearly everywhere, but in that really good way. But I also want to sleep. I'm incredibly fatigued and want nothing but a hot stone massage.

And a cappuccino.

Day 2 - Degas Dancers are on my Visa

I spent my lunch hour last thursday couped up in a tiny dressing room at Footsteps. The problem with aging isn't how your face looks (I have faith mine will stay reasonably attractive), it's how your body changes. Lumps appear where skin was once supple and smooth, sides become "handles" and tummys become stomachs. So I squeeze into the extra-large leotard (which is really a lie, because I barely breathe as I put it on. Note: I am only a size 6 in women's clothing. Size 6 = the new fat.)

After $100 of new dance gear, I feel more confident about this commitment. Not only is it my body, it's my wallet now.

Day 1 - Jazz 2

where I'm sore:

Coccyx
Trapezius
Quads/Hams
Core

things I learned:
during the pretzel stretch, keep both hips down
jazz runs are executed in plie
developpe a derriere, creates perfect line from the balancing arm to the working leg, tip of finger to point of toe